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- Wayback Wheels -
Vintage Car Talk
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- Aaron Neilly's Top 10 ugliest cars
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- By Aaron Neilly
- Ugly is far more than skin deep.
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- Whether you are a car person or not, you have probably seen
a vehicle at one time or another that made you think, “What
were they thinking?” or “Who would buy that?”
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- I recently read an article in BusinessWeek about the top
10 ugliest cars of all time, according to some automotive journalists,
and self-proclaimed “Car Geeks.” This list included
such gems as the AMC Pacer, the Ford Edsel, and (unsurprisingly),
the Pontiac Aztec. It also included a few cars which I didn't
find particularity ugly. Plain, if anything, and terribly built,
such as the infamous Yugo and the Ford Pinto.
Well, here's my own list of some of the automotive industry’s
ugly ducklings, the most hideous cars ever producer - based on
appearance alone.
10. Volkswagen Type 4: I love vintage Volkswagens. Everything
about them. Except for maybe this example. The 411 and 412 were
introduced in 1968 as a “modern” entry into VW’s
lineup, featuring electronic fuel injection, unibody construction,
fully automatic transaxle, and an advanced MacPherson strut front
suspension. They were available as a station wagon and as a fastback
model. The German nickname for this car was "Vier Türen
elf Jahre zu spät," meaning "four doors coming
11 years too late." The Type 4 was also known to completely
rust out in about three years.
9. 1960 Plymouth Valiant: So ugly it is almost cool! I
love the continental style spare tire stamping in the trunk lid.
Virgil Exner, Chrysler’s chief stylist, gave the Valiant
what he called “Forward Look” styling, which I am assuming
means “Keep looking forward, because something better looking
will come along eventually.”
- .
 8. Tatra T603:
“Communism’s Finest Car!” This car looks like
a little bit of everything. The T603 couldn't be purchased by
the general public, they were reserved entirely for communist
officials and factory presidents. It was powered by a rear mounted,
semi-overhead cam, air cooled V8. The T603 was built over a 20-year
period, but not all new cars were actually new. When an old Tatra
was replaced, it was shipped back to the factory and refurbished,
then re-sold as a new vehicle. Even Fidel Castro drove one.
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 7. Citroën 2CV:
(Pronounced deux chevaux, which means “Two Horses”).
The 2CV was produced from 1948 to 1990, and in this 42-year run
the car was virtually unchanged. The design requirements for
this car were simple – build a “four wheeled umbrella”
that could carry two farmers, and 220 pounds of goods into town
at 60 km/h. The car also had to be able to cross a ploughed field
with a basket of eggs, without breaking a single one. These cars
weigh next to nothing, and have the structural rigidity of a
tent. As ugly as the 2CV is, you can't look at one without smiling,
and although seriously underpowered (with a 602cc twin cylinder
engine), they are a joy to drive and, amazingly enough, will
hit speeds of 120 km/h (with a very powerful tail wind, going
downhill). I've tried this; I succeeded, but it's probably not
recommended. Still, it is one of my favourite cars of all time.
6. Lotus Europa: Sleek and sexy . . . until you see the
rear of the vehicle. The Europa had a bizarre rear end, causing
this otherwise revolutionary sports car to be nicknamed the “breadwagon.”
The Europa’s body was cast as a single fiberglass unit,
aside from the doors, trunk and hood. It was incredibly light,
weighing in at only 1320 pounds.
 5. Mohs Ostentatiene Opera
Sedan: Possibly the strangest car ever “produced.”
(Thankfully, the Mohs Seaplane corporation only built three or
four a year). This three-ton beast sat on a chassis built to
International Harvester industrial truck specifications, was
powered by a V8 normally used in farm equipment, had only one
door, which slid open along the passenger’s side of the
vehicle, minivan style, rolled on 20-inch wheels with nitrogen
filled tires, and was available with Ming-Dynasty style oriental
rugs. It also featured a power retractable hardtop, a Naugahyde
covered body, and available butane furnace, television sets and
dual refrigerators. It was obscenely hideous. It could seat eight,
and comfortably sleep three.
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- 4. 1983-1986 Toyota Camry: Not really a classic, but
a styling joke. Round cars are a thing of the past! I'm pretty
sure Toyota eliminated any curves from this car to ensure consumers
knew it was designed by a computer. It was available as a sedan
and a four-door hatchback.
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- 3. 1972-1976 Ford Thunderbird: What started off as
a sexy, unique and nimble sports car, turned into an overweight,
sluggish, thirsty and downright ugly vehicle. Powered by a 460
cubic inch V8, they averaged an abysmal 8 miles to the gallon.
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 2. Bricklin SV-1
(Safety Vehicle 1): This acrylic plastic bodied, gullwing
door equipped sports car could easily be mistaken for a kit car,
especially if you looked at the build quality. The SV-1 initially
featured an AMC 360 cubic inch V8 (a more powerful engine meant
you could accelerate out of a dangerous situation in a hurry)
and later on, a Ford 351. The car didn't come equipped with a
lighter or ashtray, because, as the sales brochure said “We
don't think smoking while driving is safe; we don't want you
dropping a hot cigarette in your lap and driving our beautiful
car into a tree.” The gullwing doors weighed 99 pounds each,
and were known to come crashing down when the support struts
failed. That doesn't sound very safe, either.
1. AMC Matador Coupe: This was also known as the flying
car driven by evil bad-guy Francisco Scaramanga in the James
Bond movie The Man with the Golden Gun. The huge, and awkward
proportions of this car made it just plain ugly. If the base
model coupe wasn't tacky enough, the Barcelona edition was added
to the lineup, with a padded landau top, and rear opera windows.
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- Thanks for reading, and remember, spring isn't that far away…
go into your garage and dust off your baby. Only a few months
now.
Photos: 1 - Tatra T603; 2 - Citroën 2CV; 3 - Mohs
Ostentatiene Opera Sedan; 4 - Bricklin SV-1 (Safety Vehicle 1)
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